


Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time

by paladincoolcats, whatthequiznak



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dipper Pines, Blood, Demon Bill Cipher, Demons, Demons Are Assholes, F/F, Fluff, Human Bill Cipher, I haven't decided, I'll tag more soon, Jealous Bill Cipher, Jealous Dipper Pines, M/M, Mild Gore, Pain, Pansexual Mabel Pines, Pining, Possessive Bill Cipher, Pretty much underage because Dipper is seventeen, Protective Bill Cipher, Protective Grunkle Ford, Protective Grunkle Stan, Smut, Violence, just a heads up, no pun intended there, or lots of pun intended actually, suggest some to us if you will, there MIGHT BE mabifica, there will most likely be "the sex" in this, this will be trash, we'll add more tags when we think of them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-29 18:50:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6389047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paladincoolcats/pseuds/paladincoolcats, https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatthequiznak/pseuds/whatthequiznak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just when Dipper and Mabel feel as normal as possible living in Gravity Falls, a certain demon crashes into their lives again with word of a new demon and another oncoming apocalypse. And according to him, he's the good guy this time. </p><p>Or the fic where enemies have to learn to be friends, Bill has to learn to be human, and a Dorito falls in love with a Pine Tree while they try to stop the end of the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Should Probably Introduce Myself

**Author's Note:**

> This is our first BillDip fic, so be gentle with us. Or not. Just frick us up and let us know how we're doing. Our tumblr is [here](http://thechipandthedip.tumblr.com) so feel free to talk to us there as well!

The day Dipper Pine’s relatively normal life changed to weird was the day he had traveled to the always odd Gravity Falls. It changed again, only slightly, when he and his twin sister Mabel moved permanently to the strange town to live with their great uncles Stan and Ford. And finally, the day Dipper’s life eventually grew too weird for him to handle was the day a tanned skin, spindly teen with a flop of black and blond hair crashed in through the tiny attic window.

It was merely days after his and Mabel’s seventeenth birthday, and he was on his bed flipping through a book on cryptids that Ford had given him when the window had shattered, only for half of a torso to tumble in.

Dipper gave a “manly” squeal, brandishing the book up and above his head as if he were prepared to beat the intruder off with it. Mabel’s pet pig Waddles gave a squeal of terror and scurried from the room, leaving Dipper alone with the boy who had began to push himself up from where he had landed face first on the floor, still half out the window. He was sliced up decently with the broken glass, but the first thing Dipper saw was the eyes. Or eye, rather. The left eye was covered with a black patch that wrapped around the intruder’s head, but the uncovered eye hardly had an iris. Only a thin black pupil, nearly a cat-like pupil.

He knew that eye, it’d been in his worst nightmares. And Dipper screamed. The eye lit up in amusement at Dipper’s terror, and the familiar voice cackled, “Hi again, Pine Tree. It's been too long since I last heard you scream.”

“Get out!” Dipper demanded, scrambling off the bed to cautiously approach the teen. “What are you, you're not-”

The boy looked around the room, “Where’s Shooting Star’s bed? Did she die?”

Dipper spluttered at that, because no, his sister did not die. They were no longer twelve, nor were they just visiting. Both of them had gone through puberty, a single bedroom to share wouldn't work out very well. So Grunkle Stan had gotten the roaches out of his man cave and cleaned it up a bit so that Mabel could have her own room, to which she had certainly Mabel-ized. However, he wasn't about to tell the intruder where his sister was.

“I'll ask again - who are you?”

“I take it you missed me then!” the dark haired boy continued to laugh, the only blond part of his hair, his fringe, flopping into his face as he crawled the rest of the way in and toppled into the broken glass.

The eye could only belong to Bill Cipher, Dipper knew. But the body was not the triangular shape of the demon that had once been out for blood. In fact, the body was very much human.

The person with Bill Cipher’s eye had a long torso with even longer limbs if it were possible. He was angular still with a sharp jaw and a sharp nose and dark tanned skin. He wore a yellow vest over a black suit, and a black top hat had fallen into the glass on the floor when the person had broken into the room. Dipper was actually fairly surprised no one had shown up at the commotion the person was causing.

“You're not Bill,” Dipper stepped forward once more, his book still clutched tightly in his hands. His grip only tightened as the boy pushed himself not-so gracefully to his feet and shook glass off of himself.

“Is this a game?” the familiar eyed stranger asked. “Okay, I'll play. I'm not Bill. I'll be Dipper Pines. Who do you want to be?”

Dipper wanted to yell for one of his uncles, even for his sister. But if the stranger with the eye patch was in fact Bill, then he figured that he had found himself in terrible danger.

“You can't be Bill Cipher. You aren't shaped like a Dorito,” Dipper mumbled.

“I know I'm not as handsome in this form, but at least cut me some slack, Pine Tree. I haven't killed you yet!”

Dipper boldly turned away to look behind himself, silently pleading with someone to at least come and check up on him. Yet when he turned back around, Not-Bill, or perhaps Bill, was standing in front of him oozing blood all over the floor and his suit from the glass cuts on his hands and face.

“Jesus!” Dipper gasped, tripping over his own feet in surprise and stumbling backwards.

“Why doesn't anyone ever use my name as a sort of swear? I’m way better than the bearded guy constantly in his bathrobe,” the bleeding boy clumsily tried to crouch, but ended up sprawling onto the floor as well, half on top of Dipper. “Bill Cipher!”

It was all summed up in Dipper’s mind then. Bill Cipher was alive. Bill Cipher had just broken into Dipper’s second story window. Bill Cipher was practically on top of him. And so, yelling for someone, anyone, the entire time, Dipper scrambled to his feet and raced from the room.  
  
Mabel was at the kitchen table with Grunkle Stan, carefully drawing on the older man’s arm with a purple fine tip Sharpie. Dipper all but flung himself over the table, sending the sharpie haphazardly across Grunkle Stan’s arm.

“Dipper!” Mabel protested. “You ruined his rose tattoo!”

“Bill-” Dipper croaked. “Bill is back!”

Mabel and Grunkle Stan exchanged a look, most likely taking in the blue and white pine tree marked hat that was now askew on top of Dipper’s wild brown hair, not to mention how crazed his brown eyes had to have looked.

“We killed him nearly four years ago, kid,” Grunkle Stan raised an eyebrow, but his voice was hesitant.

“He is literally,” Dipper paused to suck in a deep breath of air. “He just crashed through the upstairs window. He's in my room right now.”

“No, actually.”

Three heads snapped to the kitchen entrance. Human and non-triangular Bill stood, still dripping blood from his cuts. He raised a hand in greeting.

Mabel’s mouth fell open, “Uh… that's not Bill? He isn't a triangle. Plus he's hot.”

That earned a snort from Grunkle Stan.

“You don't recognize me, Shooting Star?” Bill pouted. “What about you, Stanford?”

Stan stood then, striding over with fists clenched, “I recognize a demon when I see ‘em. And it's Stan.”

Just as Stan started to clench his fists, Mabel, always the kind one, scrambled up from the table as well, “Grunkle Stan, wait! He's already bleeding all over. And he doesn't look dangerous.”

Dipper sneaked behind them both peeking around to glare at the tall human-Bill, “He’s bleeding because he broke in through my window.”

Mabel blinked in confusion, “We have other windows closer to the ground, you know… and a door.”

Bill, who had been picking at some one of the cuts on his hand amusedly, shrugged, “It's triangular and I've fit through it before. It was just a little more difficult this time. Also messy. Human pain is kind of intriguing.”

Bravely, Mabel stepped forward the final steps despite her uncle and brother’s protests, grabbing Bill by the sleeve, “We need to get the glass out of your hands and you need bandaids.”

“Mabel!” Dipper pulled the girl away from the taller boy, making her headband slip as she stumbled and huffed. “No! We don't befriend the enemy! He's tried to kill us before!”

Stan pulled both of the twins away, eyeing Bill suspiciously, “Why did you come through Dipper’s window, anyway?”

“Well, fine,” Bill sighed, flicking glass onto the floor as he pulled it from his finger. “I was hoping we could have some nice small talk before I told you about the impending doom you all will face soon.”

Stan bristled and his eyes darkened behind his large glasses as he pushed Dipper and Mabel further behind him. Seventeen or not, but the older man still saw them as twelve year olds who needed protecting. “Is that a threat?”

Wiping his hands across his vest and smearing blood, Bill then offered out a hand to shake, “A promise, rather, a truce. It's not me causing the doom this time. You kicking me to the curb and trapping me in stone in the mindscape, you didn't kill me by the way, let another head honcho in. There's a new demon in town, and they want to wipe out humanity. Thought I'd let my favorite meatsack know.”

Bill attempted to lean around Stan to wiggle his visible eyebrow at Dipper. At that, Stan promptly swung his fist out, connecting with Bill’s jaw, and efficiently knocked the demon out cold.


	2. I Had A Cane and A Party Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We knocked out 3k with this. we also experimented with getting into Bill's mind a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is our first BillDip fic, so be gentle with us. Or not. Just frick us up and let us know how we're doing. Our tumblr is [here](http://thechipandthedip.tumblr.com) so feel free to talk to us there as well!

“What the hell do we do with him now?”

“Let's crush him up and feed him to Soos.”

Bill’s head felt odd, throbbing in a funny sort of way that could only be human pain. Humans were such fragile creatures, it definitely wasn't a form he would willingly take.

His eye fluttered open, and he pursed his lips up at the three humans staring down at him. Stanley or Stanford, he could only tell by a glance at the man’s hand. Five fingers, definitely Stanley. Shooting Star, whose hair was still as long as before and whose human garn was still on the fluffier side. And then there was Pine Tree. The boy had certainly changed in the time Bill had been trapped. He wore the same blue and white hat, brown curls poking from beneath it, but he had definitely filled out. He was less scrawny, slightly taller than his sister, and his voice had finally deepened. In fact, Bill thought he could perhaps even detect a few hairs on the boy’s narrow chin.

However, he found himself annoyingly trapped by the humans once more. Not in stone, but rather by some sticky silver material that made his wrists and ankles tingle, almost as if he were cursing someone or shooting fire from his palms. He appeared to be laying across a wooden table in the kitchen, and the others were simply standing around him. If he hadn't been so amused at the brief moment of pain and what could only be “sleep” he might have been angry with Stanley.

“Guys, his eyes are open,” announced Shooting Star. Stanley raised a fist again, but Shooting Star grabbed the man’s arm and shook her head. “We need to hear about this ‘impending doom’ he talked about.”

When Bill spoke, it came out sounding as if his vocal chords had been grabbed and stretched out, “It'll be fun.”

“Where's the duct tape?” Stanley huffed. “Why didn't we tape his mouth?”

Pine Tree had his arms crossed over his chest, his brow furrowed into quite the crease. It amused Bill to see him thinking so hard, “Pine Tree, keep that little mind going. I want to see if you'll explode.”

“Alright, smart-ass,” Stanley snarled as Pine Tree looked angry enough to burst into flames. Bill gave a bark of laughter, but the old man clamped a hand down over his mouth. Until, at least, Bill used it as the opportunity to sink his teeth into the calloused flesh. “Ouch, you little shit! You have less ten seconds to explain yourself and then I'm making you into demon fries and serving you to tourists.”

“Sit me up and free me from these human strips and I'll think about it,” Bill wiggled his fingers. It was then he noticed they were glass free and covered with flowery little strips. “Also, why am I not bleeding anymore? That was fun.”

“Mabel and her first aid kit got to you, but I can make you bleed more if you'd like,” Stanley’s finger prodded Bill on a cut on his cheek. It stung, and Bill laughed.

“Jesus,” Pine Tree huffed, beating his fist on the table near Bill’s head. “Just tell us about this demon you were talking about.”

Bill loved seeing the kid flustered, and he considered stalling more. Stalling would possibly only result in being killed, however, and Bill wasn’t sure how invincible he was in the form. Nor did he know if he would regenerate back into the mindscape.

“Alright kiddies,” Bill squirmed, trying to sit himself up. No one moved to help him, so he flopped back on to the table. “Story time. There's a demon. One that I can't actually remember because the human mind is an extremely useless thing. I just know there's someone controlling the mindscape that doesn't want me there because I would never choose to inhabit this form.”

Pine Tree narrowed his eyes, “If you can't remember the new demon, how do you know that they want to wipe out humanity?”

“Because I can hear their voiceless thoughts in my useless human memory. It's odd.”

And it was odd, being in the strange body. He remembered well enough from inhabiting Pine Tree as a host that humans were very needy creatures. Their memory was short lasting and limited. Bill couldn’t for the life of him remember the demon’s appearance or name, how he had gotten booted from the mindscape, nor how he had ended up in human form.

But when he had awoken in a field near the rundown human shack, the first thing that came to mind was the surprisingly smart boy with the pine tree hat and the wild brown hair. The other thing he could remember clearly was the new demon that wanted to end the world, and he knew that if any helpless human could help him out, it would be the helpless Pine Tree and his human accomplices.

“He’s lying,” Pine Tree said decisively. “He has to be lying.”

“Cut him some slack, Bro-Bro,” Shooting Star finally sighed. “He hasn’t done anything wrong yet. If he’s actually giving us a heads up, then it’s really nice of him to do.”

“I may be deceiving, but I never lie,” Bill flashed them a grin. “Shooting Star, would you help me sit up?”

Pine Tree and Stanley both grumbled to themselves as the girl pulled Bill into a sitting position, “Okay, but you have to be nice. You can’t make walls catch on fire or anything like that. And you can’t possess my brother.”

Bill pouted. Pine Tree had been his favorite human to control. It was a moot point anyhow, Bill didn’t know how to get out of the human form he was in. As hard as he had tried, he couldn’t seem to get any form of magic to come forth from his useless human flesh and he couldn’t get back to his favourite triangular shape. He was simply stuck looking like an ugly meatsack.

“You say that like he’s staying around,” Stanley squinted suspiciously.

Shooting Star placed her hands on both Stanley and Pine Tree’s shoulders, “Hear me out. We really should keep Bill around until we can get more information out of him. I’m sure Grunkle Ford has somewhere we can keep him where he won’t hurt anything or anyone.”

“Stanford!” Bill exclaimed gleefully. “My little six fingered weirdo. Where is he?”

It’d been quite some time since he had been able to mess with his first ever favorite meatsack. He had quite enjoyed messing with Stanford decades prior. However, now that Stanford’s nephew, who was somehow just as interesting - perhaps it was his impressive human intelligence - had taken Stanford’s spot as Bill’s favorite meatsack to torture.

Stanley was staring hard at Bill as he pondered, but then he sighed and looked to Pine Tree and Shooting Star, “I hate to admit that we’ll need Ford’s opinion, but go find my brother and bring him up here. He’s probably in the lab.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone with-” Pine Tree tried to protest, but Stanley smirked.

“If he tries anything, I’ll just knock him back out. In fact, I might knock him out even if he doesn’t try anything.”

Bill cackled, imagining Stanley’s fist connecting with his human head again, “You’re hysterical, Stanley.”

Shooting Star grabbed Pine Tree’s arm, guiding him from the room, “Grunkle Stan has got this. I wanted to ask Grunkle Ford if I could give him sharpie art anyway.”

Pine Tree tried to protest as Shooting Star pulled him from the room, towards what Bill knew was the strange human attraction that Stanley owned. The boy let his sister guide him though and it left Bill alone with the grumpy old man. He gave Stanley a devious grin, only to be pushed backwards. With his hands tied up he was unable to catch himself, and his head hit the hardwood with a loud thump. Bill chuckled as his vision was momentarily blurry, and then Stanley had him by his shirt.

“Listen you piece of shit demon,” Stanley snarled. “If you’re thinking about laying a single finger on my niece or nephew, you’ve got another thing coming. I’ll tear you apart just like I did in the mindscape.”

Bill continued to grin. Stanley’s threats were adorable, “Silly Pines. I’m not going to hurt Shooting Star or Pine Tree. I’ll need their help so I need them alive.”

His words didn’t seem to comfort Stanley at all. In fact, with a solid thump, Stanley’s fist connected with his fragile and useless human skull, and Bill was once again knocked unconscious.

x  
  
Grunkle Ford had been less than pleased to hear news of the return of Bill. He had nearly forced Dipper and Mabel to remain in the lab as he went tearing his way up to the kitchen, the twins traipsing behind him determinedly.

“Where’s the asshole at?” Ford barked, looking around the empty gift shop as he emerged from behind the snack machine.

“He’s in the kitchen,” Mabel replied, stepping out behind him, but she squinted. “Unless Grunkle Stan killed him. He’s quiet.”

Killing the demon seemed like a good plan to Dipper, but at the same time if Bill held valuable information like he said then Mabel was right. He’d be useful to have around, at least until they had more information on the situation. Dipper stayed right on Ford’s heels, knowing that he would have a good plan. Ford was still Dipper’s role model of sorts.

Stan was messing with the leaky faucet of the sink, Bill still lying across the table.

“You didn’t kill him, right?” Mabel asked.

“Not yet,” Stan grumbled. “He was obnoxious, so I punched him again.”

Ford stood over the unconscious boy, prodding at his face, his chest, and lifting up the black eyepatch, “Why are you so sure it’s Bill?”

“The one eye,” Mabel crept up to peer over Ford’s shoulder.

“And the voice,” Dipper added. The more he heard it, the more it stuck out in his mind. He’d had it in his head, in his dreams.

Ford nodded, “Do we know why he’s trapped in the form of a human?”

“No, he doesn’t remember.”

“Well he doesn’t seem to be possessing anyone. This looks like his own personal human body.”

“And I don’t think he has his powers,” Mabel noted. “Or at least he can’t access them.”

Stan rejoined them, scowling down at the long teen. “Did they tell you about the apparent second doomsday that is coming?”

Ford’s lips tightened, “What?”

“I know,” Dipper groaned. “He says he's here because there's a new demon in the mindscape and he wants to rule the world.”

“Does he know anything about this demon?”

“No,” Stan said, glaring at the demon. “He conveniently forgot.”

“I'm not giving him leeway when I say this,” Ford frowned. “But being trapped in human form may have messed with his memory enough that he actually doesn't remember.”

“You're picking his side?” Dipper almost yelled.

“No. I am not picking his side. I'm just saying that's what may have happened. The human mind is a fragile thing.”

Stan rolled his eyes, “I've had my memory wiped before but that didn't stop me from remembering.”

“Yeah, and you can thank Dipper and Mabel for that,” Ford pointed out. “If anyone can help someone remember something, it's these kids.”

“Adults,” Mabel coughed into her first. “We’re seventeen Grunkle Ford.”

“And I'm sixty-four,” Ford couldn't help but smile, and ruffled Mable’s hair. “Kid.”

“Grunkle Ford,” Mabel tried to sound stern, but she smiled at her uncle.

Bill stirred on the table, and Dipper stepped forward to get a closer look as the single eye flew open in surprise. The demon-human scowled this time, his playful exterior gone. Dipper felt the urge to step back. He knew just what Bill was capable of. Ford wasn't phased, but rather he grabbed Bill’s shoulders and pulled him into a sitting position.

“Stanford!” Bill exclaimed. “Long time no see.”

“So you're going to tell us everything you know, or I'll dip you in acid.”

Bill pulled at his wrists, “You’re cute if you think pain scares me. How about you get your brother to stop knocking me the fuck out and then maybe I'll play nice. In fact, I thought I was being very civilized as it was. The only ones who have treated me with the respect I deserve are Shooting Star and Pine Tree.”

“I'm suspecting Mabel is the source of your flower bandaids,” Ford noted, more to himself than the boy.

Bill’s single eye flickered onto Dipper as Ford turned to whisper something to Stan. Dipper’s heart rate elevated as Bill’s gaze remained on him, and a smile stretched across the demon’s face.

“Pine Tree,” Bill practically cooed. “I think of us as friends. I mean, I've inhabited you before so we’re practically the same person. Untie me.”

“Hush,” Ford interrupted. “I’ll untie you, but you're going to tell me what you know.”

“Sure,” Bill said pleasantly.

The moment Bill’s hands were free he was lifting his bandages to peek under them, prodding at the cuts on his face, and wiggling his limbs clumsily.

“Spill,” Stan grumbled. Mabel had left the room to find Waddles to make sure he was okay with their new visitor, and Dipper was left with Bill and his uncles.

Bill pursed his lips, “Well… I remember waking up in a field. I can remember a loud voice referring to me as “annoying” and “a problem”. Frankly, I'm flattered. However, I'm also really pissed that I was sent here. I'm not about to let some other fucker destroy the world. Only I can do that. Even worse, I can't use my magic and I can't get out of this ugly ass meatsack. I can't complain too much, though. I still had my bad ass hat and cane, I'm just not sure where those are at the moment.”

Dipper wasn't sure if he would call the human form ugly, but he didn't say anything. He simply watched Bill closely as the trapped demon picked at his bandages.

“He's telling the truth,” Ford sighed. “He always keeps deals and he rarely lies. He just hides things and twists shit around.”

“So what are we doing with him, then?” Stan asked his brother as he crossed his large arms over his chest.

As if he was helping, Bill piped in, “I can stay in Pine Tree’s room.”

“No!” Stan and Dipper bellowed in unison. Ford simply shook his head.

“You really only need a place to sleep, because if you're staying here you won't have much free time. You'll be working. So you can choose between the couch, or, if you fuck up in the slightest I'll lock you up in my ‘experiment gone wrong’ cage. And it's a pretty small cage so I'll be stuffing your lanky ass into it.”

“As fun as that second option sounds, I'll go with this couch you speak of. Is that in Pine Tree’s room?”

“You're not staying in my room!” Dipper practically shrieked, before clearing his throat and deepening his voice. “Uh. You're not staying in my room.”

It only made Bill laugh, but Dipper had had enough with the stupid demon-human. He stomped off to the gift shop to organize some things. Stan had closed the Shack down for a few days to allow birthday celebrations for the twins. This left the shack empty of Soos and Wendy for the day, which meant Dipper had no one to rant to but Mabel and Waddles. Which of course he used to his full advantage, Mabel patting him consolingly on the back the entire time.

Luckily Dipper didn't see much of the demon-human after that. Ford seemed to keep the tall freak in the lab with him. Mabel prepared Bill a small bed on the couch, one that Waddles made himself at home on until Bill came stumbling into the kitchen and sent the pig squealing towards Mabel’s room.

“I'm so used to levitating, how do you humans do this?” he grumbled.

“Just flop in and I'll cover you up,” Mabel offered.

Dipper used Bill’s distraction with the couch to pull Mabel aside and whisper into her ear, “Why are you being so nice to him?”

Mabel shrugged, “Because he doesn't have anyone to look out for him. We had each other when we first came here, but he's all alone.”

“This is Bill Cipher,” Dipper reminded. “He doesn't deserve kindness.”

“Dipper,” Mabel said softly. “By being mean we’re just acting like Bill. In fact kindness will probably affect him more than being mean would.”

Mabel focused back on Bill then, whose limbs were hanging awkwardly off the couch, “I'm fairly certain I'm doing this correctly. What now, Shooting Star?”

Dipper didn't hear what Mabel said next, he was too preoccupied thinking about what she had said. He didn't leave her alone with Bill, however. He made sure she was safely in her room and had her promise to yell if she needed him before retreating to his own room in the attic.

He knew for a fact he wouldn't get any sleep with a demon below him. Bill most likely wouldn't sleep, the demon hardly knew what sleep was when he possessed Dipper years prior. Dipper only hoped the weird kid ( if he could even call him a kid, Bill was old as hell, maybe even literally) wouldn't be wandering around while the others slept. If anything Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford would remain awake as well to keep an eye on Bill.

Somehow, unfortunately, Dipper did doze off after several hours of tossing and turning. It was a light sleep, but Dipper knew it was sleep because he jolted to attention at the sound of his door creaking open. He brushed it off as Waddles at first, that was, until he heard a soft thud, a grumbled curse, and opened his eyes to come face to face with a single eye glowing blue.

“Holy fuck!” Dipper screamed.

“Shhh!” Bill’s voice hissed immediately. “Quiet Pine Tree, I'm not here to kill you. I just have a question. It was hard enough getting up the damn steps, don't make someone take me back down them.”

“What do you want?” Dipper snapped. “I told you already you can't stay in my room.”

“There's a pressure in my lower region,” Bill stated matter of factly.

Dipper blinked. “Bill. What the fuck? You can't just tell people that.”

“It's right here,” Bill pointed below his belly button. It's an interesting discomfort, I can deal, but I wanted to know if it means I'm going to die or rip open or something.”

Dipper understood then. Bill wasn't being sexual, he just had to piss. He nearly laughed at the simplicity of Bill’s issue. For someone as clever as the demon, Bill was hopeless, “You idiot, you have to go to the bathroom. Humans do that you know.”

“Show me,” Bill declared.

“I'll show you the bathroom but I'm not showing you how to use it,” Dipper sighed, kicking off his blankets and guiding Bill back down the steps.

Like Bill had stated, he certainly had a hard time working his long legs down the rickety stairs, but after several minutes of Dipper hissing at him from the bottom to stop making so much noise, Bill made it down with a look of pride, “I'll be better than you at this human shit in no time.”

As they reached the bathroom, Dipper flipped the light on for Bill. With them both out of the dark, Dipper quickly realized that Bill was wearing what could only be a pair of Ford’s clothes as pajamas. They were baggy on Bill’s scrawny form but much too short for the demon’s long limbs. He knew his uncle would never share with a demon, so Mabel could be the only one to have been so generous. He half considered following his sister’s ways, but he’d treat Bill how ever he pleased. He was already helping the human-demon piss as it was.

“Alright you fuck,” Dipper stated. “I know you have to know what a penis is because that's right up your alley. That's what we use to go to the bathroom.”

“I didn't think everyone had a penis,” Bill hummed. “And I thought they were used for pleasure.”

“This is a bathroom trip, not an anatomy lesson. Christ,” Dipper groaned. “Just go in there, aim at the toilet with the lid up, and your body will know what to do from there.”

Dipper turned away since Bill didn't have the mind to shut the door behind him. He heard the flowing sound of Bill’s success, however, and then Bill started to come out looking smug. He had at least remembered to get his dick back in his pants.

“Flush and wipe your hands,” Dipper commanded.

“Sure, sure,” Bill nodded, stepping back into the bathroom to do as he was told.

Dipper crossed his arms over his chest, suddenly feeling exposed in just his boxers and t-shirt, but Bill flaunted past Dipper with his hands still dripping, the flower bandages hanging off loosely, “Thanks, Pine Tree! Have fun sleeping or whatever it is you do.”

Bill disappeared into the living room, and Dipper followed and peered in after the demon to make sure he was back on the couch. He was. He was simply face down on it and grumbling to himself about how human’s found enjoyment in such a boring process.

As Dipper turned to head back upstairs, he rubbed irritably at his forehead. He was sure he would go insane before his eighteenth birthday. Or maybe even before morning came.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed! This was also wrote and edited 90% on mobile google docs so if you see any errors please let us know. C:


	3. I Roam the City In A Shopping Cart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shopping trip ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is our first BillDip fic, so be gentle with us. Or not. Just frick us up and let us know how we're doing. Our tumblr is [here](http://thechipandthedip.tumblr.com) so feel free to talk to us there as well!

Much to Dipper’s dismay, Bill took to going to Dipper for his confusing human functions. Only the second day of Bill’s arrival he found Dipper multiple times throughout the day.

“Pine Tree, air keeps escaping me,” a pause to hiccup. “In an odd fashion that isn't breathing. Can I levitate this way?”

“No. Hiccups don't stop the laws of gravity.”

And after a loud sneeze from the living room where Stan had Bill dusting (something they never actually did, he just wanted the tall boy to be quiet), the demon once again came to find the human boy in the kitchen where he was reading, “Pine Tree I think my true form is trying to break free out of my ugly human face.”

“It's called a sneeze,” Dipper rolled his eyes, gathering his book and once again leaving Bill on his own.

Finally around noon, Bill found Dipper in his room to announce the rumbling that was happening in his stomach and throat. Of course the stupid demon wouldn't even know what hunger was. Dipper had wanted to ignore him, but Bill kept repeating it like Dipper couldn't hear him.

So Dipper sent him off to Mabel to make macaroni and cheese. As Dipper sat at the table to eat as well, Bill slid into the chair next to him. Dipper scooted away in discomfort, and Bill continued to scoot closer.

“Bill,” Dipper warned. “Humans have a thing called personal space.”

“I know, Pine Tree,” Bill smirked. “I just know me getting in yours irritates you. And I like irritating you.”

“Go to hell.”

“Too boring,” Bill flicked the bill of Dipper’s hat, and Dipper was about to punch the boy when two bowls were placed directly in front of them both.

“Alrightio!” Mabel declared. “Bon Apetit!”

She placed Ford and Stan’s bowls in the oven to keep them warm, and then she sat down at the table with Bill and her twin, handing them both plastic forks. Dipper and she both started eating immediately, but Bill watched them in confusion.

He picked up his fork, Dipper noticed, but he picked it up the wrong direction.

“Oh,” Mabel must have noticed as well, because she craned her arm across the table and fixed the utensil. “Like this. That's how you use a-”

Bill immediately stabbed the table next to Dipper’s arm, making Dipper shriek as the plastic shattered all over the table. Bill cackled.

“Okay!” Mabel bellowed, snatching the rest of the broken plastic from Bill’s hand. “You get a spoon from now on.”

“You mean that's not how you use them?” Bill asked innocently. Dipper picked up his food and his chair with a scowl and moved over to sit by Mabel while Mabel directed Bill on how to eat with his spoon.

Once Bill was successfully eating the food, Mabel praised him, “See? You can be civilized.”

“This shit is interesting on my human tongue, too,” Bill spoke with his mouth full.

“That means it tastes good,” Mabel told Bill before she stage-whispered to Dipper. “Table manners is what we’ll learn next.”

Dipper had to stand and walk past Bill to clean his empty bowl, and he gasped as Bill grabbed his arm and licked a wet stripe up Dipper’s arm.

“That's disgusting, Bill!” Dipper yelled.

Bill only laughed of course, “Pine Tree tastes good, too!”

Due to the fact that Bill was out to annoy the shit out of Dipper, for the next two weeks Dipper avoided Bill like the plague. Ford and Stan hardly let the demon out of their sight during the day. If Stan wasn't downstairs in the lab trying to get Bill’s memories stirred up (without using a gadget, because who knew what Bill’s mind would be capable of doing with the help of Ford’s technology) then Stan had Bill doing the hard labor in the gift shop.

Dipper usually gave tours, as he loved the history of Gravity Falls, Mabel and Wendy worked the register and sales as both were extremely good entrepreneurs, and Soos was the handyman that fixed whatever would break. The only job left for Bill, one that Grunkle Stan enforced onto the stubborn demon, was to carry in the heavy boxes and stands. Of course Bill was still Bill, and half the time he spent trying to bother everyone else if Stan wasn't around.

The first day the shack opened back up, Dipper pulled Wendy and Soos aside to tell them what they were in for.

“Run while you can,” Dipper had offered. “Bill Cipher is back and he's being all…not murderous. But I'm not cutting him any slack so just watch out, yeah? Ford and Stan pretty much have him closely watched, but it's Bill.”

Dipper still admired Wendy, and he was certain he could still be in love with her. If she ever returned the feelings he would jump at the opportunity in a heartbeat. Dipper’s admiration only grew when she shrugged, “Eh, I leave again for college in the fall anyway. Might as well kick Cipher’s ass one more time.”

“Dude, he's threatening and all but we beat him before and we can beat him again if we need to,” Soos shrugged.

Regardless, Dipper filled them in on the news Bill had brought. But it was Gravity Falls, they'd been through it before, and Wendy and Soos seemed unfazed.

They basically ignored Bill, but Bill didn't mind because he ignored them as well. Except for Wendy. Bill seemed to make it his sole mission to annoy the hell out of Wendy if Dipper wasn't available. However, his annoying her almost seemed as if he wanted to scare her off rather than him just wanting to pester her.

He would put dead mice in her cash drawer, he’d hand her boxes which just so happened to have snakes in them, anything he could do to scare her. Unfortunately for Bill, Wendy wasn't easily scared. She'd simply toss away the creatures and carry on with what she was doing, and Bill would be left scowling in defeat.

If he wasn't annoying Wendy, he was continuing with his learning of simple human things from Mabel. Ford and Stan frequently threatened to physically harm Bill, but Mabel remained her patient self. Or of course, Bill was making it his mission to follow Dipper around.

Despite Dipper trying to avoid Bill, Bill certainly didn't try to avoid Dipper. After the two weeks of Dipper avoiding Bill, the demon-human finally ended up sneaking into a tour group (how, Dipper didn't know. Bill was freakishly taller than most everyone) and he made his way to the front with Dipper, announcing, “Here's the spot where I gave Dipper his first screaming head!”

Bill was charming enough that the crowd ‘ooh’d, and Dipper covered his face with his hand, “You can't- that was the worst way to phrase something like that.”

Bill simply stood proudly in his clothes that were far too baggy on him (Mabel was supposed to be taking him clothes shopping) and gestured enthusiastically to the forest path, throwing an arm around Dipper’s shoulders. Dipper tried to shrug away, but Bill had a latching grip.

“Ouch, you asshole,” Dipper hissed as Bill’s fingers clung tight.

Bill released him at his noise of pain, chuckling, “Pains fun, why are you whining?”

Dipper simply shoved Bill away from him and continued the tour before he lost his patience. But once Bill had earned the attention of the crowd once, he strove to do it again and again. He shared things only Bill Cipher would know.

“This was the first tree ever to grow in this forest! It was once inhabited by fairies.”

Once they'd returned to the Mystery Shack and the crowd departed, Bill continued to follow Dipper. At that point Dipper was already so fed up with the tall and lanky demon lingering behind him that he was prepared to pull Stan’s trick and knock Bill out cold.

“I should come with you on those adventures more often!” Bill declared. “We sure can entertain, eh Pine Tree? If only I could still access magic.”

“No, you need to stay where Stan tells you and stop annoying me.”

However, Stan came marching up to them as they entered the shack, clapping Bill on the shoulder, “Guess what Bill Shiter, your new job is to help Dipper give tours! The tourists actually tipped saying you were charming and handsome.”

Dipper balked, “Grunkle Stan, no!”

“Until Ford can get Bill’s memory resurfacing we might as well make some money off of him,” Stan shrugged. “Ford is certain as well that Bill can't access magic, so he's practically human. He can only hurt you with his own body, and it's nothing I couldn't do to you.”

Dipper sulked, but there was no arguing with his Grunkle, “Fine, but I'm not going to worry about scaring tourists if it comes to me having to push him into a ravine.”

“Go for it,” Stan called over his shoulder as he walked off.

Dipper walked away groaning with Bill on his heels grinning smugly.

x

Pine Tree’s annoyed face was one of Bill’s favorite things. It brought him the utmost joy to see the scowl Pine Tree would wear when Bill did what Bill did best. Scaring him, annoying him, and embarrassing him is what Bill stood for.

To make things better, there was a plethora of new human things Bill was experiencing that he loved to annoy Pine Tree with. Of course, Pine Tree generally just ran to Shooting Star for help.

Bill found himself gaining quite the respect for Shooting Star. She was everything Bill wasn't, sweet and helpful, but she seemed to create a soft spot in the hearts of everyone around her and therefore could usually get them to do whatever she wanted. Bill admired that.

He also loved that when Shooting Star was finally taking Bill what she called “clothes shopping” (because apparently his suit, cane, and top hat weren't good enough for her) she talked Pine Tree into coming with them.

“I'm a girl, Dipper,” she insisted. “I don't want to see Bill half naked, but I know he's Bill and he's going to need help trying stuff on.”

So Bill ended up in the back of the Pine Tree’s car, picking up anything he could find. He picked up a shiny circular object, lifting it up and examining it, “BABA? I’ve never heard of that human word.”

“It isn't a word, it's Dipper’s favorite music artist!” Shooting Star whipped around in her seat and thrusted her hands out for the silver object. “Let's listen to some Disco Girl, eh Dipper?”

“No!” Pine Tree bellowed. “Mabel don't you dare.”

Bill sensed that this was something to fluster the boy in the blue vest, so he quickly handed over the circular thing to Shooting Star. She took pity on her brother, however, and tucked the circular object away. Bill pouted the rest of the way to their destination.

And yet once they arrived, Bill quickly learned that he did not at all like to clothing shop. Annoying humans were everywhere, and according to Pine Tree and Shooting Star, hitting them wasn't allowed.

“Stanley hits me all the time!” Bill tried reasoning.

“That's because he knows you and you deserve it,” Pine Tree stopped Bill from grabbing a shirt from a passing person’s arms.

However, Shooting Star returned pushing something black and plastic on wheels. Bill had seen this before. Babies, the tiny humans, rode around in it. Before the mystery twins could protest, Bill was using his long legs to his advantage and pushing himself butt first into the cart.

“At least it keeps him from hurting people,” Shooting Star soothed Pine Tree (his cheeks were flaming red to Bill’s enjoyment).

Shooting Star grabbed lots of clothes, showing them to Bill before she would place them on top of him. In his mind, all he needed was a bow tie (but according to the girl nudity was a thing human’s frowned upon). Pine Tree trailed along, suggesting sizes to Shooting Star.

“Tall and skinny as fuck,” the boy noted, directing Mabel to a different section of clothes. “He needs underwear and shoes, too. I'm not helping him figure out his size for those.”

“Stanford’s do not fit,” Bill informed. “They're too short and too loose on my ass.”

“Those are actually Dipper’s that I've been giving you,” Shooting Star admitted, and Pine Tree slapped his hands over his face.

“Wow, thanks, sis.”

“Sorry, Bro-Bro. At least we know roughly what he needs now.”

Pine Tree helped out a lot, surprisingly. He even stood directly outside the changing room to make sure Bill didn't need assistance. He’d been sliding the human limbs into Stanford’s clothes enough that it was growing easy for him.

But there was something that Shooting Star had called ‘jeans’. They were clingy and had some strange front that formed a v and exposed his under garments. Pine Tree described to him how to pull up the zipper (he’d used zippers before!) and how to get his ‘button’ through the the small hole. His hands were clumsy at that, and Dipper quickly buttoned the pants for him, his face flaming red in embarrassment. It closed the gap, however, and Bill decided that clothes shopping wasn't terrible. The jeans Mabel chose for him were black, too. So he approved.

After the jeans ordeal Bill still had several items to try on. Most of the clothes fit well though, and if they didn't Bill would toss them out at Dipper with a, “Nope!”

When he'd tried everything on, he dumped the clothes he was keeping back into their shopping helper that Shooting Star had called a ‘cart’.

“Do you like them?” the wide eyed girl asked hopefully.

“Sure, Shooting Star,” Bill looked at the clothing he had as well as a large pair of shoes Pine Tree had since placed in the cart. “But you know what I really want? Another top hat and cane. A bow tie, too.”

“You know you're not a triangle, right?” Pine Tree lifted his eyebrows, but they led Bill to his desired objects.

They only let him get one of each item, which was ridiculous to Bill considering how many other clothes they were getting him. He was already pouting as it was because Pine Tree wouldn't let him get back in the cart. Bill used it to his advantage and tried to tug at the small (and kind of cute in a way that Bill couldn't seem to comprehend, a strange feeling he never felt) curls that stuck out from under the white and blue hat.

“I think we’re done finally!” Shooting Star announced. “Let's go check out.”

Bill wasn't sure who or what they were “checking out”, but he waltzed along behind them waggling his eyebrows at people who looked at his eyepatch weirdly.

He was about to ask Pine Tree about some interesting hats they had passed (the boy and he seemed to share an interest in wearing hats) when a woman rounded a corner too quickly and collided with Pine Tree.

Since Bill was already behind the falling boy, it was easy to catch him and steady him. Only why the hell had he done that, since when did he care about the safety of Dipper Pines?

“Sorry-” Pine Tree tried.

“Watch where you're going, idiot,” the woman brushed at her brunette hair snottily. She wore pearls and a blue dress, something that didn't impress Bill in the slightest.

He felt a flare of anger as Pine Tree seemed to be about to object, but simply looked down at his shoes instead. There was no way in the slightest Dipper was at fault. Even Shooting Star seemed angry.

Bill grabbed the elbow of the woman before she could stomp off, “Who exactly do you think you are?”

“I'm Priscilla Northwest and you're going to let go of me immediately, you filthy brat,” the woman tried to shake free, but Bill narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth. “This piece of idiot trash should have watched where he was going.”

Pure rage bubbled up in Bill. Only he was allowed to call Pine Tree an idiot. He was certain his head was about to explode with the fury he felt.

“If I'm not mistaken, he apologized to you. You're going to do the same for nearly knocking him over, or I'm going to rip the pearls from your neck and use their string to pull your teeth out one by one,” Bill snarled as his face burned.

Pine Tree and Shooting Star didn't appear like they were about to stop him, but instead had shrank back in surprise. The woman choked out a garble of disbelief, frantically trying to get away.

“Sorry!” she squawked, trying to rip free of Bill’s tightening grip. “Someone help me!”

“Time to go!” Pine Tree grabbed Bill’s shirt, and he yanked the demon after Shooting Star, who was already darting away to purchase the clothing for Bill.

They didn't stick around after that, practically tossing their bags into the car before scrambling in. Bill wasn't sure why they were running away. He wasn't afraid of the human bitch. He would beat her senseless if he needed to. But Pine Tree peeled out of the parking lot, speeding in the direction towards the Mystery Shack.

Shooting Star was ecstatic once they were traveling down the road, squirming in her seat, “Bill, that was awesome! She totally had it coming. I hate that woman.”

“I might have argued back if you didn't have a thing for her daughter,” Pine Tree spoke up with a slight grin. “Figured I shouldn't ruin your chances.”

“Dipper!” Shooting Star squealed, trying to cover her brother's mouth. However, she turned to hold a hand out to Bill. “Slide me some skin, demon boy.”

“You want my skin?” Bill blinked, but he went to pick at his still healing cuts.

“No!” Mabel practically gagged. “I wanted to high five you for scaring Priscilla Northwest.”

“And me,” Pine Tree admitted. “Your eye glowed blue. It was… Impressive. Even if I thought you were going to turn full demon and burn down the store.”

Bill pursed his lips. He hadn't been aware that his eye had turned blue. It was something he controlled so easily in his main form. But in the human form, magic was useless. He still couldn't access it.

“I'm saving that for another time,” Bill waved his hand idly.

“Really hope you're joking,” Pine Tree’s eyes met his in the rearview mirror.

Bill only smirked. However, the more he processed all that had been said, he realized that the mystery twins had to know the bitch they'd run into.

“That piece of shit from the store,” the demon began. “Did she know you as well?”

“Kind of,” Pine Tree admitted. “I've gone to their mansion to help get rid of an angry lumberjack ghost.”

“You should have told me you knew her then!” Bill gently kicked the back of the boy’s seat. “I could have punched her!”

“What…?”

“You knew her and she deserved it. I could have punched her.”

“No, Bill. I still wouldn't let you punch her,” Pine Tree sighed, but he smiled at Bill through the mirror. “But uh… Yeah. Thanks. For having my back there.”

“Literally, you clumsy fuck. Besides. Only I can push you down and call you an idiot, idiot. But sure thing, kid.”

Dipper’s smile only widened. Bill smiled back. 


	4. I'm A Scholar and A Gentleman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BillDip will only grow stronger. Be prepared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is our first BillDip fic, so be gentle with us. Or not. Just frick us up and let us know how we're doing. Our tumblr is [here](http://thechipandthedip.tumblr.com) so feel free to talk to us there as well! Things will start speeding up here soon. Fear not.

“Alright, Cipher, you’ve been here three weeks,” Ford prodded Bill in the chest. “It’s about time you start trying to access those memories.”

Ford and Dipper had set up camp in the lab for the morning with Bill as their test subject. However, Bill didn’t seem too prone on actually trying to get his memories resurfacing. Like most things to the demon in human form, this was simply another game.

“And try to remember by two p.m,” Dipper added. “I have a tour.”

“We,” Bill corrected. “Have a tour.”

Surprisingly enough, having Bill accompany him on the mystery tours hadn’t been terrible. The boy allowed Dipper to share his tales whilst also impressing everyone else with his own history blurbs. Plus it’d been an entire week having to be near each other and they hadn’t killed each other, which was quite the accomplishment.

“Just think,” Ford huffed. “Give us a name, an appearance, a time frame. Literally anything. When is the world going to end, exactly?”

“Within the next six months,” Bill said immediately. “I can remember that much.”

“Then you can remember more.”

“Are you positive on this?”

“Try, or I’ll bring Waddles down and make him cuddle you,” Dipper warned. For some odd reason Bill didn’t enjoy the cute pig’s presence.

“Filthy,” Bill grimaced.

Which was another odd happening. Bill wasn’t a fan of dirt. Blood, he didn’t mind at all. Once on a tour they had stumbled across an unfortunate opossum that seemed to have gotten squashed by something large (Dipper was curious to find out what, as it nearly looked like a footprint beneath the dead animal) and Bill immediately picked it up in wide-eyed wonder.

“Bill,” Dipper gagged, as the tourists all covered their eyes. “Go throw that off the path.”

“I’m going to keep it,” Bill made like he was about to tie the dead animal’s tail onto the loop of his belt.

“No!” Dipper protested. “That’s so disgusting, you aren’t bringing that into the house!”

Bill’s eyes had flashed with irritation, and Dipper felt momentarily afraid. However, he reached out gingerly and pried Bill’s hands away from the squashed carcass. As quickly as he could, he kicked it off the path (RIP poor opossum) and squeamishly wiped his hands off on Bill.

“I’ll just find it later then,” Bill had huffed, and then Dipper thought he heard the boy mumble under his breath. “Or I’ll squish you flat instead, asshole.”

But he chose to ignore Bill so he could apologize to their tourists and continue on down the path.

But of course, Bill still shrugged off Dipper’s threats of retrieving Waddles, “Come on, Bill. Why can’t you take this seriously? We’re supposed to be teaming up to stop this demon, or the demon is going to end up stealing all your glory.”

Instead, Bill stood and stretched, “I have to use the pisser.”

“It's hopeless,” Dipper flung his hands in the air. “He doesn't remember or care. Or he remembers and he just wants us dead. I don't know why we’re even giving him a chance.”

Bill yawned, walking away in a bored fashion and heading out of the lab. Ford sighed, placing his hand on Dipper’s shoulder.

“I've dealt with him before, kid. And he might remember everything like you said, but no matter what he's going to do things on his own time. That's just what he is, he's a demon. He doesn't care much for others, so it was shocking to me that he even came searching for you and Mabel in the first place.”

Dipper looked to the stairs where Bill had disappeared, “He drives me insane. Do you think killing him would have any effect?”

“Yes, actually,” Ford murmured. “I think killing him in his human form would kill him permanently. Stan and I discussed it… That if he ever is to start showing signs of violence, we’re taking him out while he's at his weakest.”

“He's fine for now,” Dipper was quick to defend. He ended up startling himself with how fast he had shot down Ford’s slight threat, but it was a surprise to hear that killing Bill whilst he was human would be a permanent thing. It wasn't that he didn't want Bill dead, because he did. It would make living easier. But at the same time he just… didn't want Bill dead.

“Yes, he hasn't seemed very violent,” Ford agreed. “Not in front of us, at least. He isn't cruel to you when we aren't around is he?”

“No. He's annoying but he doesn't hurt us or threaten to, really. Only once in awhile if we make him frustrated.”

“Just watch him,” his great uncle nodded. “I know you could put him in his place if needed.”

With that, Dipper retreated back upstairs. Bill was on the couch, which was still his bed, with Mabel flipping through a book next to him.

“Your ham is sniffing me, Shooting Star!” Bill declared, pulling his legs up in disgust.

“Waddles is hungry,” Mabel teased.

That seemed to catch Bill’s attention, “Hmm… Does he eat flesh?”

“Only demon flesh,” Mabel lied. “Billy-Bob, what do you know about Shape Shifters? I think one keeps trying to get in my room. Dipper has been too busy to help me figure out what it is.”

“It can't be a Shape Shifter, you goof,” Bill laughed, but surprisingly the sound wasn't malicious. “It would've walked right in looking like your uncles or brother.”

“It was white and slimy though!” Mabel sighed, starting to flip through the book again. “Or its stomach was…”

Bill pursed his lips, “Did it make sound?”

“It tapped on my window. Lots of tapping.”

“Mutant millipede,” Bill said decisively. “Just get your usual human bug killing crap and spray around your window.”

Dipper was quite impressed with how fast Bill had come up with the answer, and Mabel was apparently impressed as well, because she punched the demon in the arm, “You’re faster than Dipper!”

Bill waggled his finger at her, “I'll bite back, Shooting Star. That was a weak hit anyway.”

“That's because it was a play hit,” Mabel explained.

Stepping out from where he was watching the two, Dipper interrupted before Bill could respond, “Are you ready for the tour?”

“I need to go harass Red,” Bill announced, referring to Wendy. “She's gone by unscathed so far, but today is the day.”

“No,” Dipper snapped, still grumpy from Bill’s uncooperative behavior in the lab. “Just leave her alone and go put shoes on.”

“Not my boss, Pine Tree.”

It only made Dipper angrier, and he was prepared to fist fight the obnoxious boy. Instead he shot Mabel an exasperated look and stalked out to the gift shop to find Wendy and warn her.

The shop was small, but it was well packed with weird souvenirs and plenty of clothing with strange prints. Mabel and Stan were the planners of what was ordered, and together they came up with some pretty unique inventory.

Dipper found Wendy sitting on a stool behind the desk, flipping through a magazine. He sighed, dragging himself up behind the counter with the girl and slumping down on a cooler next to her.

“I'm going to kill Bill,” Dipper murmured, rubbing at his temples.

The girl chuckled, placing her magazine to the side, “What's wrong, little dude?”

“Well for one, we’re the same height now,” the boy protested. “And Bill is just really pestering me. I thought he was improving, he actually seemed helpful. But we’re probably all going to die in six months, and Bill isn't doing anything to help like he said he would. He's just being obnoxious and doing what he wants. He’ll probably come in here soon because he said he wanted to annoy you.”

Wendy shrugged, “I just ignore him. It makes him mad if you ignore him.”

“It's hard to ignore him if I do tours with him,” Dipper huffed.

“Just focus more on the tourists,” Wendy suggested. “You're smart, Dipper. You can outsmart Bill.”

And Dipper made it his goal, at that moment, to purposely ignore Bill until the demon actually tried to help them learn more about their impending doom.

…

“This is the area where a large family of gnomes used to live. After they formed a costume to appear like a human and then formed a giant gnome and nearly crushed us all, we drove them further from the shack.”

Dipper hadn't so much as even looked at Bill. When Bill would give his little bit of knowledge on the forest around Gravity Falls, Dipper would examine his hands boredly. Of course Bill still charmed to tourists. His human form was handsome, Dipper would give him that even though Bill called himself ugly, and he was wise enough that his bits of history always had the attention of everyone.

The second Bill realized that Dipper wasn't paying attention to him, he was right on Dipper’s heels tormenting him.

“Pine Tree, I'm going to stick a worm down your shirt,” Bill tried.

Dipper ignored him.

Further along during the tour Bill snatched Dipper’s hat, exchanging it with the top hat he generally wore. Dipper still didn't look at him or acknowledge him.

Bill eventually switched their hats back, but he placed a locust inside Dipper’s. Dipper flailed quite a bit to get the gross bug out, but he didn't snap at Bill like he wanted to. He could almost hear Bill’s huff of irritation.

Back at the Mystery Shack, Dipper thanked the tourists before practically bolting away to hide. When he snuck a glance back at the demon, he expected a scowl, but was only greeted with a look of confusion. He wasn't sure if it was as satisfying as he hoped.

x

Mabel wasn't afraid of Bill. Or, she told herself that she wasn't. He'd given her reason to fear him before, but since his return he hadn't caused her any harm and only caused her a tiny bit of trouble.

Still, when Bill suddenly appeared behind the cash register where Mabel had taken over Wendy’s shift, she let out a tiny squeal. Waddles echoed her, bolting out of his pig bed and tumbling clumsily to the floor.

“Shooting Star,” Bill frowned.

“Billpher,” Mabel clutched her chest with one arm and leaned to console Waddles with the other. The poor swine was practically hyperventilating. “You can't scare us like that!”

His brow furrowed, “I hardly did anything that could be considered scary.”

“You just apparated from the air!”

Bill no longer cared, Mabel could tell, because he used his foot to press Waddles away as the pig tried to sniff at his ankles, “I think… How do you know if Pine Tree is angry with you? You're good at human things.”

Mabel’s eyebrows shot up, “If Dipper is angry with me he tells me. Or he pouts until I go see what’s wrong. He's a big baby sometimes, it's so obvious I'm the older twin.”

“I think I've angered him.”

“Was it not your goal to anger him…?” Mabel was surprised by how much thought and care the demon was putting into this. Generally he thrived off of anger and pain.

“Well he’s ignoring me,” Bill continued. “More than usual. If he is angry with me he should fight me, not ignore me.”

That sounded much more like the Bill Mabel knew, “He’ll get over it, Billrito.”

“How can I make him get over it faster?” Bill pressed.

Mabel only laughed, “You could apologize.”

“No,” the demon immediately shot down. “I didn't do anything wrong. I've got a deal for you.”

Suspicion washed over Mabel, but at the word deal she immediately thought of what she could ask for. There was a certain blonde haired girl who had been sent away shortly after Mabel herself had left Gravity Falls many summers ago. Someone Mabel missed very much, someone Mabel wished she could have gotten closer with. Someone Mabel was certain she could have loved. Pacifica. But rather than asking immediately to see Pacifica again, “It doesn't involve any souls, does it?”

“If you convince your brother to stop ignoring me, then I'll help you get rid of the mutant millipede,” Bill offered. Of course it was a much simpler deal. Bill was practically human. Mabel wasn't sure what she had been thinking, but she couldn't help but feel a wave of sadness.

Still, it wasn't a dangerous deal. Mabel figured it would be nice anyway to have someone help her with the millipede, anyway.

“How do I know you'll keep your word?”

“I always keep my word, Shooting Star,” Bill held out his hand to shake on it.

“What a gentleman.”

And so Mabel shook his hand. Of course, Stan stepped into the shop at that exact moment, bellowing out, “What the hell?!”

Mabel quickly held her hands up as her Grunkle grabbed a wooden walking stick from a rack and started advancing on Bill.

“No, no, it wasn't a bad deal!”

“Calm yourself, Stanley-”

However, Stan swung at Bill anyway. There was a large crack as the stick connected, and Bill fell to the floor.

The human-demon sat in silence for a few moments, but then he laughed, “I'm seeing shooting stars, Shooting Star.”

“I promised him I’d get Dipper to stop ignoring him if he helped me with the mutant millipede that wants in my room,” Mabel squeaked at her angry grunkle.

Glancing down at Bill, his only good eye was red and already swelling. He was prodding at it and grinning to himself. Mabel decided to let him be, it was better than him being angry that Stan had hit him once again.

“Oh,” Grunkle Stan said in a gruff voice. “I was just hitting him in preparation for a future annoyance then.”

…

Mabel kept her end of the deal the next day, plopping herself down next to Dipper, who was reading with a pencil tucked behind his ear, and helped herself to some of the peanut butter toast he was eating. He was too entranced by his book to notice anyway.

“So,” Mabel drawled, leaning her head on her brother’s shoulder.

She saw Bill and his blackened eye poke his head into the kitchen, and she scrunched her nose at him. She’d already told him, after he had made a mess out of the giant millipede by splitting it in half right outside her window, that he would have to stay away while she talked to Dipper or else Dipper might not listen entirely to her.

Obligating her order, Bill disappeared again. Dipper only just seemed to realize that Mabel was there, and he patted her head, “Hey, Mabel.”

Waddles snuffled around at her feet, nudging at Dipper in hopes for peanut butter. She grinned largely at her brother, “How are you this morning? Are you good?”

Dipper blinked, “Sure…? Well, actually I am good. I haven't seen Bill since our tour yesterday. Not a single glance of him.”

“Well he hasn't seen much of anyone either, he's got a black eye,” Mabel muttered to herself.

“He what?” Dipper asked.

“Never mind,” Mabel said quickly. “Let's cut to the chase. Are you mad at Bill?”

Dipper scoffed, “When am I not mad at Bill?”

“When he backed you up last week when Priscilla Northwest was a snob you didn't seem mad at him…”

“He doesn't listen!” Dipper barked, but when Mabel jumped in surprise he lowered his voice and offered her more toast. “I was hoping I would have been able to get more information of this other demon out of him. Or that he’d at least help me. I've been going crazy trying to find information about the mindscape from Ford’s journals and stuff, and Ford and Stan are looking, too, but. There's only one person who really knew the mindscape and he says he can't remember.”

“And so you're mad at him.”

“I just don't need to talk to him if he's not going to help.”

At that moment, Bill came stomping into the kitchen and yanked the book Dipper had in his hands away, flipping through it and skimming over the pages.

“Bill, your eye,” Dipper blanched.

“Grunkle Stan saw Bill and I making a deal,” Mabel explained, but as Dipper started to stiffen she continued. “He killed the millipede outside my room so I told him I'd talk to you and find out why you were ignoring him.”

Bill was scowling as he flipped through the pages, but then he came to a blank page and his hand shot across the table to pluck the pencil out from behind Dipper’s ear. He began scrawling things out in the book.

  * younger than me
  * can only control parts of the mindscape
  * identifies as a “female”



“What… What are those things?” Dipper asked.

Bill pressed his finger against his bruised eye, “I think they're memories, I'm trying to bring them out from wherever they're locked up... Pain helps.”

“Stop!” Dipper interjected, prying Bill’s hand away from his eye and clutching it in his own hand to keep the demon from hurting himself. Mabel was staring in as much of surprise as Bill was. “You're going to blind yourself, that's the only eye you have you idiot.”

“Did that help you, Pine Tree?” Bill asked. “The things I remembered?

“They help,” Dipper murmured. “Thank you. But don't hurt yourself to get these things out.”

Bill shrugged, “Fine, but I'm going to fix all the shit you have wrong in this journal. You're so wrong about so many things. I can still remember the mindscape. Just not how it's been since you losers trapped me in stone.”

At that, Bill punched Dipper in the arm, hard enough to make a loud thumping sound. Dipper yelped, “Ouch, you asshole!”

“It was a play hit!” Bill waved his hand.

“For a someone so smart you still have so much to learn,” Mabel sighed. “Your intentions were playful but… gently next time. Normal people don't like pain.”

Bill simply chuckled, and Dipper walked over to punch the demon back (Bill laughed of course) before he sat down, “Fine. Tell me about the fucking mindscape.”

“In a scholarly fashion,” Mabel noted. “Teach us, Professor Bill.”

“Why, certainly,” Bill was pleasant once more as he began flipping through the book, scribbling out several things and rewriting.

Mabel smiled at her brother and the demon. For two people that had once wanted to kill each other, they worked well together. If they actually stayed working productively, their brains could figure out some extremely amazing things, she knew. They also looked cute together hunched over the book, their fingers bumping as they pointed things out to one another. She slipped Waddles the rest of Dipper’s uneaten toast. Her job was done.

x

Pine Tree was talking to him again, and all he had to do was force his mind to remember. Evidently, human pain was enough to make his mind scrounge for memories. He couldn't remember much, and it was rather frustrating, but he didn't want to think about it.

It wasn't like he liked having practically been defeated by the newer demon. It made him feel weak. And Bill Cipher was not weak.

Bill really enjoyed being the center of attention, especially if it was Pine Tree’s attention. He liked being smarter than the kid, but he also enjoyed being constantly surprised by the brain the boy had in him.

Dipper seemed impressed as well, reluctantly so, at Bill’s reformatting of his equations and hypotheses of the mindscape. Of course Bill could edit Dipper’s books and journals. He was a fucking scholar.

One thing he couldn't comprehend, however, was the strange tingling he felt when Pine Tree would brush against him, or lean in closer to see what Bill was writing down. His strange human pulse maker also seemed to freak out at odd times, such as when Pine Tree would look directly at him.

He certainly was not afraid of Pine Tree, he could kill Pine Tree at any time, so it honestly made little to no sense when his pulse would race. He brushed it off, however, because focusing on those things would only make him weaker. He kept his mind open and only thought about going forward. It was the best way to remain powerful. Bill was always thinking though, sometimes about several things at once, so he could think about equations and still the thought of Pine Tree chuckling at Bill stumbling over his stupid human legs would surface in his brain.

Yet, with Pine Tree looking to Bill as a leader in his learning of the mindscape and Shooting Star making that odd delicious noodle substance that made his stomach stop rumbling, Bill couldn’t be bothered to let the small thoughts concern him. He felt in control (even of the stupid swine that laid on his foot) and he liked it like that. 

**Author's Note:**

> So that's that. The other chapters will be much longer, we're just getting started and getting a feel on things. Hope to see you again!


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